SHAKY

Assalamualaikum and hiii  Earthians 

Almost half of the year I do not updating any posts here… And during that times, so many things had happened and changed, this and that. But, there is one thing that stay still, shafika is still a sassy girl.Too many things to catch up but yea I’ll just update the things that I feel like to share with you guys !

Well, up till this month, it’s almost been 2 months ever since I entered new semester, sem 5 out of 10, by that im currently a third a year shariah and laws student. Budak yang dulu nya tak berapa nak redha dan suka belajar dekat sini dah masuk tahun tiga guys. You know, to be here ( third year) I ve been through a lot. A LOT. Mentally and emotionally pressured!

Kita rojak Bahasa ye? acah je speaking atas tu *HEHEHEHE*

During my third and fourth sem, I have to deals with mental endurance. Masa sem 3 nak masuk sem 4 la nak kenal who is your friend, your real friend and your frienemies.  Kawan talang dua muka tu biasa lah dekat uni. Wajib ada kan. Masa ni I was like, oh begini mereka ni oh macam ni ke dia ni sebenarnya baru kenal. But im okay, im fine. Nothing hurted me back then. Deal dengan manusia is easy for me. Super easy, because I don’t give a damn pun diorang ni macam mana asalkan tak ganggu the flow of my life.

Masa sem 4, everything just nice for me even I got an intense cold war with this one buddy but, I like it and really love fourth sem. I enjoyed this whole semester 4 so much! Since I already knew the personalities of my classmates and lecture mates, so I could mingle with them really well. I know how to handle them since I can read them easily. Aku bertambah seronok and enjoy sem 4 sbb semua subjek aku suka, by this I meant subjects law semua best2 , contract 2, constitutional law 2, Family law for non Muslim. Oh, satu je yang kurang gemar, Law of Torts 2 heheheh. Entahla subjek ni aku takboleh score A, I don’t know how make this subject easier to learn. Internal problem, perhaps. Kalau subject course shariah aku lemah sikit, so I just managed to get B minus. But alhamdulillah at least bukan C right? *ayat sedapkan hati sendiri*

      Okay lets move forward.  I like myself for who im. But for this semester, I felt something different. From the start I felt worry, kind of I do not believe in myself. Inferior. Not good. My confident level is very low like at the bottom of its level. Sememangnya sebelum ini aku kurang confident especially around the crowd, but this is totally different. Even with a single entity pun, aku rasa takde confident. HELP MEEEE L. How to cope with this matter?

         Then, I got problem with my emotions. It is really hard to supress my emotion like I did before. Before this (sem1 till 3), I still manage to control my feelings and emotions like i wont allow it outta control. To stay cool and cheerful is what I want. WHY? Obviously because I do not want people to read me, I hate when they know my true feelings. I don’t like when they know im mad, it is simply because im afraid that they would feel uncomfortable around me. Yes, because that matter to me, i just want them to feel okay and comfortable around me  and to know what I feel is an absolute NO.

       However, I think I ve lost. I failed. Im sad im mad and I couldnt control it. These things happened perhaps because i afraid of this semester. Takde study week. Semua subjects core and agak susah. Friends? Of course at times they are quite insensitive, not too understanding and I don’t know la. Mungkin I je yang terlampau sensitive. Atau aku dah penat berlakon? Hipokrit kan aku sbb i want to know them, read their moves and stuffs, but I hide mine. Emotion, real thoughts and personality. Aku rasa aku takde personality la hahahaha. But on the other side, I don’t think im faking myself because be ‘that’ way is also part of me. The motive is that I just want to make things easier for myself but, at the end of the day I’ll feel super tired of taking care everyone’s heart when they don’t even care mine. But..but, after undergone those helpless negative feelings I’ll to neutralise it back by keep saying to myself that ‘this will end up very soon, please stay clam shafika, be good to everyone it’s okay just for another 3 years and you’ll be absolutely okay”.

                When enduring with this kind of emotions or pressured situations, I’ll make some gaps with my friends. NO, not because they are at fault or what, but taking some times and make some spaces is to make myself more calm and I would not let my anger to others, macam marahkan nyamuk and bakar kelambu. I’ll try to avoid doing that because I really really really hate when people do that to me. So, after 3 days or a week, I’ll awkwardly back to my annoyingly cheerful state. Masa ni, I am hundred percent okay J

                Okay… it seems like I dah banyak melalut hahahahaha tapi kira aku dah luahkan perasaan and I feel much better right now. Ah…. A massive thank you to blogspot sebab mewujudkan medium ni to express what I feel and to those yang baca im so sorry if you feel annoyed with me but that’s your right so it’s okay. So, adios peeps ! 

Assalamualaikum.

                    A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out - Walter Winchell

              Rasanya dah lama jari jemari yang tak berapa nak runcing ni menari diatas keyboard to update or post something dekat sini. But today, I finally did. Mungkin sebab bosan. Mungkin jugak sebab terdorong oleh PMS yang sentiasa bermain dengan emosi seorang wanita. Ataupun mungkin disebabkan lagu ‘a million years ago’ yang terplay dekat earphone mendorong aku untuk menulis. Well… nobody knows.

            13 March 2017. There must be something wrong or special today. Either one. It feels like something struck off my heart. Rasa macam tersekat dekat dada, senak. Rasa sakit macam pelik sikit, berbeza dengan rasa sakit masa aku hiking semalam. Completely two different pains but at the same place. But something for sure, this heartache that I felt because im too emotions. At least thats what I think.

             I try my very best to make an eye contact and try to wave my hand in front of her. I admit that it’s really hard to do so as if im using half of my energy. Well… I actually hoping for some responds. But, I somehow feel like she’s avoiding me and she doesn’t even try to talk to me. Even last week when I greeted her in the lecture hall, she just gave me a smile. The hambar one. Honestly, it doesn’t hurt me. Not at all. Not even a little dust! Cehhh…ego bakhangg. Tapi, the aftermath that I felt was sort of aching you know? Sakit. That’s the best word to describe. It feels like you were really hurted but you gotta act like you don’t feel anything.

            Tapi itulah, benda macam ni selalu je berlaku. Sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, inikan pulak kawan kan. But as for today, aku rasa terkesan sangat sebab as I said I quite emotional today. So, bila aku cakap “rasa macam senak dada lah ain, rasa macam tersekat” and maybe at that time my face had showed not a very good expression and ain saw it, she patted my shoulder a few times and said, “ its okay, kita sama-sama hilang kawan”, then she smiled emotionlessly. Yeah… seriously my tears feel like to burst out. We got the same problem but different situation. Somehow I feel so grateful to be destined to meet beautiful people with beautiful hearts, jumpa kawan yang memahami, yang concern, yang tahu we’re not okay despite of we said we’re okay is something that so wonderful ever happen I think. Something so precious that I wouldn’t let go :)

           The timing is just so helpless. Yes I know it is part of my fault. Sebab keputusan selfish aku something like this happened. But still, it wasn’t completely my fault sebab I already told her that im going to change my kolej kediaman and I even asked her to come with me, but she refused. She said that she just fine there and she loves to stay there so and so. Okay. Kat situ no problem I guess. Kelas? Tak lunch sekali? Hello… kalau class schedule tak sama how come kita nak makan sekali? Masa kau ada kelas, aku takde and vice versa. Cuma, timing je tak kena. I don’t care anymore and I don’t want to care. It’s hurt me every times I see she tweets something that I feel it’s pointed to me. Well twitter you right, sorangg tweet seribu terasa.

           Aku bukan ada satu tu je masalah nak fikir, banyak lagi. Masalah hati, masalah wifi taknak connect dan yang paling penting masalah assignments yang bertimbun yang aku teramat amat malas dan culas nak buat. Fikirkan masalah yang takde ending ni takberguna, buang masa dan menyakitkan hati je. Menangis pun takguna. We all know that crying won’t solve our problem right. I just hope one thing that this matter wouldn’t be dragged until next week. Kalau boleh next week aku nak bertenang, rileks and rasa macam nak tengok wonderful scenery at a very tranquil place sebab next week  is someday that I promise myself to strat a new! Pray for me yaww :)

         Oh yaa… as I mention just now, semalam aku pergi hiking kann, Bukit Jugra is a very nice with beautiful scenery Hill you know, worth to hike! Kalau ada masa, give Bukit Jugra a try and feel the breathtaking and wonderful scenery there ! :)